TOTALLY GONE [11 Aug 2009|07:00pm] I am totally disillusion. Falling apart. parish

god damn it [20 May 2009|11:09pm] I scared her away I know it... o well what is new. I never get to spend a lot of time with anyone I like. I should be used to it right. My doubts kill me. I hate liking people. WHY do I have so much finding my own joy and it is so easy giving joy to other people....... I suck! parish

[14 May 2009|11:41pm] DAMN sure feeling so werid right now. What the hell do I like. SHit I forgot myself. Truly forgot myself... or not. Is there something wrong with me. Is this withdraw. parish

tears [11 May 2009|01:49pm] I hate watching people cry. I don't feel like I can comfort them. Which I can't... Angela looked o so sad! :( parish

TRUST [06 May 2009|07:07am] I have none, I believe that no one is connected in a trusting manner. WTF. People are used or using. Everybody wants something. Someone wants to feel something. Even when they think they don't. Freedom exists in every moment, its nature that keeps us bound. SO fuck off earth... today i want to be in sapce. parish

run with it [30 Apr 2009|02:18pm] Me and my best friend hardly get a chance to talk anymore. I'm definetely slipping away. I want to hide out in myself say fuck the world and be a slut. I just need affection all the time. I'm tired of watching other people. I'm not as self concious and I like someone again... I hate liking people. I'm easily used or don't see things as they are. I'm to wishful and all I see turns into a dream like thing. Well fuck it. Here I go. Time to go flip mode. Take it or leave it, my friends and family will have to learn how to deal. I'm tired of not being as sexual or free as I let myself be. I'll probably end up dead really fast because I'm to honest to live that type of lifestyle. To soft to endure the pressure. To sensative to be a complete asshole. parish

11:28 [27 Apr 2009|10:05pm] My boss at Peck's is manipulating me, Tabetha tells me everyone has been waiting for me to step to the plate. At first I was told I was doing so great boss man couldn't keep up with me. He plays with my head... I think I'm going to be fired or toyed with till I fall weak and quit. I'm being played with and I just need the money. I'm in a non-existing relationship with Angela whom I think just wants to be friends who fuck but I read way to deep into stuff. I like cuddling though; it's new and comfortable to me. I just think I need to be held these days. I failed my massage exam twice and can take it that third and final time whenever i want in the next 3 months. I just bought a car which I probably won't be able to keep up with because I might not have a job soon and Brandon, FL is running dry of opportunity. I failed at my goals in NYC which I think of every fucking day. I never see my best friend anymore to pour my heart out to. I haven't been this sad in a while and don't know how to deal. I question if I ever have known how to deal. I've been so shitty to my family and loved ones that I feel I don't deserve shit. My judgment is always off in reasoning and making decisions. I think boundaries have disappeared and I'm not lost in it at all. I think Angela is awesome but am so scared she sees I'm no good. I'm to honest in every situation that I could be easily tore apart. I laugh at myself at times because I can't even live without being so honest. I don't see how would ever work for me that way. I've thought I'd kill myself so many times splitting myself up like that. I'm so sad right now. I keep thinking about cutting myself or harming myself. I think of those who have it worse and how nice it'd be to give them what I have ruined. I'm so scared to be strong through this because I feel I'll distant myself from everyone again. I keep crying all those tears I've held in for weeks at a time. It's like all the conflict at this moment is truly from this moment and I'm not digging up the past for once. It's like I'm in this moment and I'm crying my eyes out. Not trying to stop these tears, not trying to cry them. Everything just is and I'm alone in this body at this computer and there is nothing I can do but choose to feel sorry for myself. Make myself sadder, make myself neutral and just live (sadly without a care for anything.), or force to realize I'll never have control of everything. I have to see that no matter what it is about simply living or giving up. That my actions will have results and my actions haven't been worth anything but pain to others. That I must suffer and be patient and see if things get better. I have to not make things worse. I have to be strong without shutting things out and becoming something I don't want to be. I have to withdraw from my feelings to see clearly. I'm jealous that Angela has dissolved. I'm scared she is just using me for sex. I hate that I like someone... it makes me vulnerable. A place I'm often at seeing how I'm not that strong in personal perspective. The sleeping pills are kicking in, YAY! I didn't bag my head in, CUT myself, or curse my parents out and act crazy. Maybe I can change... No pre-screening this entry. So it is raw. parish

friends or foes [22 Mar 2009|04:17am] Are my friends my friends in all honesty? All the times I've went out of my way for them and at any sarcastic complaint I get an aggressive "well then I shouldn't have speech". ANY REMARK AFTER THAT would be me being emo or defensive. DO they not know themselves well enough to see how they've disrespected me. Its either I go along with how they feel or that's it fight time. FUCK THAT! They are tiring me out. Sometimes I feel like when Xavier, Kurt, Shadel, Jose, and Carl and I were all buddies that I wasn't everyone's friend. Only Jose, Carl's, and Amy's. For the others I was just there. That they may have talked shit behind my back and no one stood up for me. NOW I FEEL THAT I AM THOUGHT OF AS some stupid white girl to Amy and Kurt when I'm not around? Or do they just let whatever they think about me flow whenever... or am I rarely thought about. Are the drugs in the way of finding the truth? I fucked up tonight and I know it. I shouldn't have did xanax, I shouldn't have gotten it for them, and I definitely shouldn't be so nice and generous. ODD that my calls are being avoided because it wasn't straight to voice mail and the ring times changed. I called 4 or 5 times.. maybe more. Different rings. Maybe my family was right. Don't have friends, don't let anyone know how you feel, and don't let anyone get to close. LOL but they also said be honest. I've spent years convincing people my friends are the best but none of them believe me. They think I'm dumb for associating with them, ALL OF THEM! I've never questioned that till now. I love how no one will read this. I should just move again, this time to run away. Last time it was for a future, this time I'd just be blocking this whole thing out. O how I fucked my week up knowing I get angry the next few days off xanax and I also can't concentrate as well. parish

[02 Jan 2009|01:15am] New Years sucked. I can't stop thinking how bored I was. All the celebrations this year were lonely and boring. I'm a party person. I love getting into the spirit. I want to have a girlfriend to give all this pent up love inside. I want to hold her and make her feel wanted. I want someone to share things with and enjoy the time with. I want a Valentine this year. I want to be someone's love interest again. I want to feel the same way as them. I don't want to fall in love with my best friend again and again till I break down and give up on love. I want to be free from this time that has me moving neither backward or forward. I want cry for someone not myself. Signing off.... parish

poem [07 Dec 2008|08:57pm] I enthralled with the dark light Took distance in the mysterious night Appalled to make notice of my flight Aware I’d walk on with a tainted life Into that dark light I went forward As I ignored all the beauty I once adored I choose to take with me all that was torn So beckoned the thoughts to be unborn NOW: Claiming the fault to all my confessions; I called to a halt all my delusions Then in a swirl of much confusion I soon learned how to defuse them Then like a vulnerable rose I stood to blossom Noticing the dark light distilled. parish

They say you never forget your first love... [25 Nov 2008|08:29am] [ mood | contemplative ] I've heard it plenty of times. It's sort of funny to hear it and not hear a chuckle in my head. First off my first love was a crush I never went for in Middle School. I got a telephone number then puff he disappeared. The funny thing is I'm now talking to him on the internet and he's interested in me. He's a goof ball funny guy, something I've never found in any man I've dated. Second thing that gets me to laugh at the whole they say you never forget your first love. Well I thought I knew what love was in a crush I had in high school, a boy from down the street of coarse, cliche. Well I forgot him. I don't obsess about how great he was or remember how infatuated I was with him. Then I realized that wasn't love, that was pure blissful lust. You finally see them and hate everything about them when you finally do fuck. Then there was the love I really had for someone that I will never forget. A love that still sits in my head like an obsession. Hard thing is they are still in my life and I can't get over them. Nothing ever became anything though either. SO I question love. Is love something I will only feel for someone I'm not in a relationship with? And can you even have a first love? Every love seems different and unforgettable. parish

KICK MY ASS [23 Nov 2008|11:18pm] [ mood | uncomfortable ] What happened to the days that we were a group of young people with hope and support for one another. What happen to that strong connection amongst friends that I finally felt at age 19. Does it just fade away and from then on your alone again. I used to look forward to each one of those individual presents as if they were the light inside of me. Now they rarely come around and I have no importance, I'm a minor blip of the past. Now they don't want to hear my feelings (I always seem to deliver them as complaints). I'm so jealous of Carl's closeness with Amy. He used to be one of my closest friends. ???I must be pittying myself?!?... I must be doing something wrong. I miss Amy's bossiness and angered opinions. I miss Shadel's ego driven criticism. I miss Carl's funny perspective and encouraging dialog. I miss Xavier's funny sarcastic opinions. I miss Kurt's answer to everything being something to do with sex or something humor filled and un-thought of. I miss telling everything to Analisa and she would remind me of how passionate I am. They all helped me balance myself. I didn't rely on them but they were a special net of people who once were all close. It seemed like everything was right then. I feel like I need some of those things again. I need a bossy friend who tells it how it is and yells at me and irks me when I'm sad. That sort of thing makes me stronger. They force me to think of things I don't on my own. It's been such a long time since Amy has called me out on my actions. NOW I'm complaining and dismissed. Something to be ignored and not bothered with. That I'm not sure if she's the same person anymore. Moving away then coming back fucked things up but I don't live on those premises. I mean Amy isn't as close as before. I felt like we shared everything before. Now not so much. Amanda isn't the best person to go to when feeling down. She will pity you and I hate that. I want a strong stab in the chest. I want someone to tell me how dumb I'm acting and point out what I'm doing wrong. I'm not sure what it is, I wish I did so I didn't need any of them. I would still want them though. I really like a big kick in the ass right about now. What happen? I mean if someone stabs at you when you're down it makes you feel like they want something out of you. Like they have expectations. When they start wanting to avoid you and label your feelings as complaints then they dismiss you and want nothing. I feel unwanted. parish

[04 Nov 2008|05:54pm] Well I finally told Amy today that I feel that as friends we've been becoming a little distant. I hope she didn't take that as me becoming less of a friend. Although that is probably my obssesive mind trying to find a way to break me down. I know she loves me to death. She pointed out again today that I complain about Will coming around when I call him. I love how she always puts things like that out there when I complain. She helps me re-realize the obvious. I've changed a lot lately and I think that I can change that. I do do a lot of complaining. I think of that book THE DELIVERY MAN and how the first sentence is "Find Yourself Here." I forget to look back and reflect on things. I find myself stuck at home because of the consequences of my actions. I am the one at fault so I need to stop complaining and just fix the situation. I am trying hard but the sky should be the limit in every endevour. I think Amy relates to me on the complaining thing in a way because she always complains about Clifford when she's always trying to get his attention. She is more aware of herself than I am of myself, that's why I try to tell her everything that happens in my life day to day. I rely on her raw honesty to guide me into self reflection. I shouldn't need her to do that so maybe I should change that too. hmmm. Well I need more courage as well. I hate to butt into peoples business but Clifford treats Amy like shit a lot and as a friend I feel I shouldn't let that go down. I really don't want her to think less of me. I value friendships with hardcore passion. Even though I'm not capatiable with Analisa as a friend no more I think of her all the time hoping everythig is going good. Even though Carl rarely comes around I"m continuiously wondering how he is. Point being, as a friend I should have pointed out long ago that I think her relationship with Clifford (even before her loosing her lisence and going to jail) has been nothing but a lot of arguements (some I witnessed) and a lack of energy in her part. Her worrying and being stressed all the time over him was never good for her, why didn't I say anything. Did I just realize it. I don't think I felt it was my place. Now I look at it and think that a friend would step in and say hey this guy isn't no good for you. She knew she was stressing so maybe I didn't have to or should say anything. I hate sounding cliche. She hates it too, lol. Well about the other night I feel like a idiot. The guy I met at the bar was nice and all but I fucked up again and swear he's lying but I could be wrong. I'm going to quit drinking that's it! I've already quit smoking ciggerettes, now it's time to quit drinking, then I will quit pills, and all there will be is weed in my system. Damn I wrote a lot and got to go see Obama win this election. Wish Amy got to vote, but that pitty like feeling only makes people feel angry. SO FUCK THAT> I think I'm going to write in here everyday, no one reads it and I just freed my mind and didn't feel like I should throw it away. <3 to the World and kisses to all the lonly guys. parish

Transitional [24 Oct 2008|08:32am] [ mood | hopeful ] So I came to my place that no one goes in hope someone will find the place I've put my newest feelings. Well the fresh air on the burning cuts are months gone and I've strolled way further than I ever have. I keep playing back in my head the things I've done and been through. I feel my heart squeeze itself when I think of how distant my relationships have become. The most important being my relationship with Amy. Sometimes I want to be someone she wants to call all the time and thinks of all the time. I love her and I let her be herself. You can't tell somebody about a feeling you feel that you're unsure of or even insinuated before, especially when you know the situation. I am certain though that I will never stop thinking about that girl. All day long, everyday. Even when I lived in NY by myself she was always on mind, I was always talking about her, I was always wondering how she felt and what she was doing. Star could vouch for that. Star expressed to me once that she was jealous that I had such a friend to adore. Yeah, so a little obsessive. I don't care to analyze it much anymore. I believe I was deeply in love with her since the second month I knew her then I put those feelings away recently when I stopped chilling with my friend Analisa. She could go into detail for hours about how many times I've talked about this with her. Literally, every time we would talk. I had this notion that I should just leave this feeling inside of me instead of posting it or it'd be gone somehow. The mysteries of me would designate or something. I doubt that because I am ever changing and there is always something going on in my mind that is deeply complex and worth a million words. So lately I've been preoccupying my mind instead of trying to find things to do so I can be around the girl. Funny thing is that is what she wants to do to get her mind off her MAN FRIEND lol. "The grass is greener on the other side" concept. So true. Regardless, I have to leave and take a test for my massage license so the entry needs to end. I hope all is well in her heart and that the distance between our hearts as friends never fades or dim ens. The love I have has no name it is just the love I have. parish

True inspiration [16 May 2007|11:15pm] I imagine jose, mimi, xavier, carl, kurt, and shadel swimming in my heart and sliding down blood slides and it reminds me of love and inspires me to live my life in complete freedom. I just got back up to NYC after my vacation and realized I haven't let them know how much I miss them enough. I should never be that busy and now I know I'll never be. They are so important to me. Each one of them indiviually continue to make my dreams begin. My love is endless and seems to never die once I have felt its intensity. If I was to let go of any of this love I would be throwing people away and out of my life and taking myself out of there's. To do that would be like murdering my heart. I'm never going to forget them and I will always be there for them. parish

LOVE [26 Mar 2007|01:51am] [ music | AIR ] I feel manic, so manic I feel blind. I truly feel like I could be loosing touch with my feelings. It wouldn't be the first time. I am so back and forth in every moment I think sometimes I truly don't know where I'm really at. It seems as though I know where I'm going. Most of the time that place looks beautiful and too empty to run to. I don't understand how I have a man that is truly in love with me, so I believe without a doubt, and not feel compelled in the same way. I picture myself as a hopeless romantic that believes love could bespell you. I believe in love so deep that I could run away with it. Though, his love for me makes me want to run in the other direction. I'm not the one to express love at all. My love makes me insecure and akward. I think sometimes I'll end up being a lover that indulges in temporary lust, mistaken for love, and never know what was there at all. I am cofident enough to think I can do anything, go anywhere in this bubble of humanity but, I shut it off and trap myself into old habits because I called those people cocky and concided. I've noticed my luck, I've noticed how my look gets me by. I've noticed glances that I could of indulged in and feel weak. I'm tired of crawling down to hopeless words of crap. I worry though. i.e. What am I worth to my friends? Will I change into a strangers face? Was are closeness an illusion; have I been dreaming - was I blind then? Have I been over expressing and under expressing myself? How much of my life will I forget by 25? Does anyone know that I cry when I watch dramatic movies by myself? Most of all, I wonder if where I am going is the furthest away from love. parish

[13 Mar 2007|03:01am] [ mood | hopeful ] [ music | Ain't nothin but tooty fruity ] I miss my bestest friend Amy so much. I pray that she comes in April and I have my studio. I want her around me. She makes me feel my best all the time. I think its cuz she understands me in a differnt way than other people. Yeah, Jose gets me and I think I can say I love him now. Though, he understands me in a different way. I feel so alive when she's around and now that I am doing what I really love and have always wanted I want her to see my happiness. She's helped me overcome so many things with the deepest conversations, random poems, adventures, and silence. I hope for a day where we can be overwhelmed with ourselves and forget the World like at the cemetary (RIP Forrest Jetta - ALL MY LOVE TO YOUR JOURNEY INTO THE AFTERLIFE AND BEYOND). I'll always long for a moment that pure, where reality was senseless and meant what it did and there were no worries about anything. I hope for a time where we can disappear in a xanny high and be intrigued in each others imagination. I hope to spend moments of meaninglessness like those days driving around or going to PubliX for errands. COrNY Ass D~ I am glad no one checks up on this shit no more. It leaves me to say the truth so much easier. 3-12-07 parish

[09 Jan 2007|02:32pm] Must I pretend my love doesn't kill me All the times I've denied myself a pure connection parish

where is love? [09 Jan 2007|01:06pm] i have the most trouble trying to find a place inbetween. Its like whatever I do is to much or to little. Either i am on my livejournal sounding like a weak baby wanting to cut myself or sad or overly craving a laugh or a little attention maybe... Some of my friends complain that I complain to much or what I say sounds like i'm bragging, or i am talking to much, then talking to little. If i say i got friends then it'll be cool, (good for her). If i say i am bored or lonely (wtf, your in NY.) I'm just scared and I can't help myself, my emotions are at edge. I am tired of worrying myself about bullshit. Maybe i get on my friends nerves more than i think or maybe i don't at all. either way this entry was a waste of my time. I don't like this loneliness... but fuck it - Im in NY, what is there for me in FL? parish

YAY! [04 Dec 2006|08:01am] I keep erasing this entry - i want to cut myself right now, not like a normal little scar but till i bleed to death. i hear in my head "that stupid bitch" "what the fuck is she complaining about" there right i am stupid for such thoughts and there is no reason to complain. - i can't even write this entry anymore. If someone was around i wouldn't tell them how i was feeling and the pills in my room won't do anything special. i am loosing my mind! i will probably go crazy and not even feel a slight bit about it happening only one person might read this, MimI so this journal entry is as stupid as i kept thinking it was when i was erasing it - YAY! parish

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